That’s right, people.  Like I was going to talk about anything else.  The Sounders FC will kick off the 2011 MLS season TOMORROW, Tuesday, March 15th at 6:30PM in Qwest Field, and I believe that you can still purchase tickets here.  And, either way, don’t be surprised tomorrow when your coworkers, your friends, and many, many random people on the street are proudly dressed in green and blue, complete with soccer scarves, hats, and jackets.

If, like me, you’ve already secured your tickets, then you are aware our first kick is near.  Let me tell you a few somethings.

First, try and bring cash with you to the game to donate to the Red Cross.  Proceeds will go to that organization as they struggle to right the damage in Japan, and you can drop your donations with them as you walk through the gates.

Second:  Whether it’s your first game or your fiftieth, remember that we have traditions.

As rbjdbkilla mentioned previously, the ECS will be leading the march to the match.  Meet at Occidental Park at 5:15PM and you’ll be on your way to the stadium by 5:30PM.  If you want to get an ECS membership, if you want to talk and hang with other supporters, if you want to share in the anticipation, prefunk at Fuel, McCoy’s Firehouse, or Temple’s Billiards.  March alongside your fellow supporters in joy and cameraderie and don’t be shy – we’re all friends when it comes to our Sounders.

Once we take our seats, join Manumerda and the rest of the ECS in a two-part ritual meant to fan the confidence of our Sounders into a raging inferno while simultaneously turning our opponents into quivering, fearful masses of jelly:

1. When it comes time for the Qwest announcer to proclaim the (hated) names of the Galaxy players, turn your back to the stadium and scream, as loud as you can, “Who?!” as their names are said.  Can you imagine?  The power of 36,000+ fans shouting their defiance of the Galaxy in fierce and menacing unison? I wouldn’t be surprised if prettyboy Beckham runs for the airport, his pretty hair waving behind him.
2. When it comes time for our players’ names to be announced, face forward, raise your scarves, and scream, as loud as you can, the last name of the Sounder as it’s being said.  And if this is your first game, please don’t worry – the names of the players do appear on the big screen.  You will not necessarily need to study before the game, although you can if you want to.

No mercy.  We are Sounders supporters and it’s the first game of 2011, people.  Let’s show the rest of the world we mean business.

P.S.  Post-game celebration at Suite 410?  I think SO.

Sounders training in sunny Florida last week. Photo courtesy of soundersfc.com

But surely you knew that.  That excited thrumming in the air that’s recently washed over the city of Seattle, the increase in the number of thick-knit soccer scarves on your fellow passersby, the sudden rise in menace whenever the cities of Portland or Vancouver are mentioned in idle conversation – these are the signs.  So if you haven’t started stocking up on your green clothing, if you haven’t had a chance to start planning the next nine months around the 2011 MLS schedule, here is the whole of the 2011 MLS schedule (as it pertains to the Sounders, who are, after all, the only team that it’s necessary to follow).

If you’d rather not click on the linky-link, then here is a quick rundown of Sounders games and events for the NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS (yeah, that’s how close it is!):

March 4 – March 6:  Cascadia Summit at Starfire.  Starting this Friday, the Sounders will host the first MLS Cascadia Summit, against the newly minted PortScum Timbers and the Wankouver Whitecaps.  I believe that the Seattle office is out of tickets to the games because Seattle is Soccer City, USA.  It is possible to find tickets on Craigslist, however.  Or you could possibly mug a Portland or Vancouvers fan for them when the weekend comes. 

March 9th, 7pm at Qwest:  Community Shield Match against Colorado Rapids.  Another preseason match to whet your appetite, and proceeds for the match will be donated to local charities.  Tickets are only $10 for adults and I suggest that you go to Qwest on the day of and buy your tickets from the box office directly, as (and I’m told this is true) purchasing tickets from Ticketmaster and paying their extra ticketing fees is akin to paying Ticketmaster to rape you.

March 15, 6:30PM at Qwest:  First Match of the Season against the LA Galaxy.  If you’re not a season ticketholder, by all means, purchase a single-game ticket to this one!  Here.  It’s going to be absolutely wild, and I’m extremely eager to see the Sounders finally, finally knock the snot out of the LA Galaxy.  You know what they say:  The bigger they are, the more satisfying it is to beat them to death.

The scene:  Seattle, post-Thanksgiving.  The Westlake Christmas Tree has been decorated and lit, and its huge, multicolored ornaments glimmer with the tiny reflections of the crowds that walk beneath it.  Children dangle on the arms of their parents, shopping or perhaps joining the Nordstroms Santa line where it snakes outside the store.  White and red lights have been strung on the eaves of the houses in my neighborhood, and some of my fellow renters have thrown open the blinds on their windows to reveal Christmas trees, huge paper stars that shine from within, and even more of those tiny, twinkling lights.

Now, I’m not really a Christmas person.  Actually, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been one of those people – the caroling, decorating, evergreen-candle-sniffing people.  Oh, and all those holiday movie/musicals – mostly unfamiliar with those.  But there is one thing that I cherish about this time of year, and it’s the generally selfless spirit that comes with it. People going out of their way to help one another,  and the delight that you feel when you do so can only be matched by how the recipient of your kindness must feel.

Are you getting what I’m saying, people?  BE SELFLESS, like, RIGHT NOW.  IT’S GOOD FOR YOU, AND OTHER PEOPLE, TOO.

Now that you’re feeling generous, let’s not forget that while we were being swept by rain and mudslides this past week, they have been battling against rising floods and devastating landslides in Colombia.  I didn’t really see this break on the news, did you?  The only reason I know is because the Sounders FC noticed.  And as the water levels climb in Colombia, contrary to all the hopes of the 2 million people affected by the heavy rains, so has the destruction and the death toll.

Photo courtesy of Freddy Montero

Thousands of rescue workers, including volunteers with Mercy Corps, are doing what they can to evacuate people from their homes, but you can easily help them out in one of two ways.

1. You can join the Sounders FC, the Sounders FC Supporters Groups, and me at Fuel Sports Bar this Wednesday, December 15th, from 6PM to 9PM.  A $5 donation at the door is suggested, but not required, with all donations going to Mercy Corps.  In addition, 10% of all revenue generated by Fuel that evening will also be donated to Mercy Corps for Colombia Flood Relief.  People of all ages are invited, so if you’re underage, if you have kids, take them along.  Sounders FC players, coaches, and staff will be present, and an auction for particularly cool Sounders jerseys and memorabilia will be held, with proceeds for that also being donated.

OR

2.  If you’re not inclined to hit the bar on Wednesday, you can still donate to Mercy Corps here and help them not only stem the destruction of this flood, but also assist them in their work to assist the poverty-stricken residents of Colombia as they struggle to survive in…well…c’mon, guys, it’s Colombia.  They have the dubious honor of having one of the highest homicide rates in the world, as well as the longest-running armed (drug-fueled) conflict on the continent.

Now I know what you are thinking (as usual).  Here I am, once more trying to browbeat you into attending a Sounders event.  Oh, no Christmas events from me, just a token Yuletide description of downtown and here I am again, nagging you to part with your well-earned money for yet another good cause.  In this day and age, and with all the horrifying things that happen to good people, there is no end to good causes.

But c’mon.

It’s Christmas time.

Have a heart.

No, for reals.  I am inciting you to take your sanity and cast it away from you for an evening.  Just one evening.  You won’t miss it that much and I think that a little time apart may make you appreciate one another more.

Not to mention, you will be ever so glad you attended this event, instead of staying home this coming Saturday night, or going to your normal clubbing haunt, or otherwise being not quite as cool as you can be.  Because this Saturday, December 4th at 9:00PM, will mark the night that all Seattle Sounders Supporters came together to celebrate the wonder of the (soccer) season.

What:  Let’s go Mental Sounders FC Supporters’ Celebration

When:  December 4, 2010, from 9:00PM to 2:30AM

Where:  the Cirque Event Center at 131 Taylor Avenue

Tickets:  Buy them here - $15 a pop if you buy online, or $20 at the door.  A portion of the proceeds will be donated to the nonprofit organizations America Scores and to the Boys and Girls Club of Renton/Skyway.

Who:  In addition to the coolest fans you’re ever likely to meet, there will also be Sounders FC players, coaches, and staff in attendance.  The following bands will also be putting on performances -Hijalti vs. Miniature Airlines (An ECS Member Band), Uninvited (another ECS Member band), DJ eBAM (an ECS member), Victor Menegaux (another ECS DJ), and Grammatrain. And if you’ve never heard Grammatrain play the Sounders anthem, then you haven’t heard music the way it was meant to be played and you should educate yourself by taking a listen below.

What to bring:  Winter clothing to donate to the Boys and Girls Club; the good people organizing this event have arranged for bins to be placed at the entrance to the event center.  So I suppose even if you are so lame as to skip the party, you can still do a good deed by donating any winter clothing or accessories at the door.

What to wear:  The unenforced dress code is semi-formal – so something classy!

The party itself is put on by the Emerald City Supporters. If you’ve ever taken a look at the Seattle Times sports section when they feature the Sounders on the front page (which is decidedly less often than they ought to) then you know who the Emerald City Supporters are:  They’re the fervid, scarf-waving, chanting fans  whose banners, songs, and overheads are so often featured in pictures and on ESPN during games.  This is them:

from the 2010 US Open Cup

Well, they’re mostly underneath the tarps and flags, but you get what I’m saying.

Now I’m not sure if this came through as I was giving you the details of this event, but the simple truth is that this is going to be a seriously good time.  If you have any love for our Seattle Sounders, then this is the place to be at.  I hope to see you there!

Sweet, sweet Halloween.  A night of ghouls and howls, warlocks and witches; the heroic, the glamorous; the occasional neutered vampire with the equally brain-dead Bella by his side.  The spooky fog, the sticky webs, the mysterious punch that knocks you into the first day of November with hardly a memory of how you got there.

I do love Halloween and, in the last week, the Belles have provided you with a diversity of events and ideas to celebrate:  how to make your own costume, the Fremont Masquerade, how to make your own costume redux, the Seattle 2010 Zombie Festival.  I’m here to offer you yet another option with regard to how you spend your holiday evening:  Dress up as your favorite Sounder and march to Qwest Field for the Sounders as they play in the first leg of the MLS Semifinals!

Or dress up as whatever you want.  I’m going to be Batgirl.  Although I may forgo the boots with the super-high heels since I will be standing for the full 90 minutes.  It’s a dilemma.

You might also think that this is terrible, terrible timing.  A soccer game on the evening of October 31st?  It’s hard to disagree but, let’s face it, there are going to be bevies of Sounders season ticket-holders who will be unable to attend because their children are determined to stuff themselves silly with candy.  You can take advantage of their absence – and their tickets – by purchasing them on the Sounders FC website when they go on sale on October 21st at 10AM.  Oh, you bet I have my alarm ready for that.  Seriously, what were you gonna do that was more interesting?

Now, Ceci recently mentioned that she finds soccer to be confusing, especially given how many leagues the Sounders currently participate in.  I will endeavor to clear up this matter now, in the hopes that you will continue to stew on the idea of attending the Sounders game on Halloween rather than rejecting the idea out of hand.

The mechanics of soccer are surely quite simple, but for the sake of clarity:  The soccer season runs from March to November of every year.  Each individual game lasts 90 minutes and is divided into two halves.  During the game, 11 players appear on the field, including a keeper, who is also referred to as a goalkeeper or goalie or Kasey Keller or Terry Boss, if you stand by the best team in the world.  These two teams troop onto a field (or pitch) and there is much kicky-kicky.  In order to score goals, ye rounde ball must be directed into ye rectangular net at the end of the field.  Use of one’s hands in accomplishing this feat is forbidden.  Despite the strictures against it, there is often a great deal of pushing, shoving, elbowing, punching, slapping, spitting, groining, high-kicking, and cleating (the use of one’s soccer cleats against a vulnerable part of your opponent, like his face or leg or balls…provided such things are present in the opposing team).

The primary American league, of which the Sounders are a part, is normally referred to as the MLS, or Major League Soccer.  These are American soccer clubs that you’ll likely see playing the most on ESPN, the standings and list of which you can see here, on the Sounders’ website.

It’s clear that this is an American league because every other country on the face of the planet refers to the sport of “soccer” as “football” and our sport of “football” as “American football.”  Got it?

In MLS, each soccer team will play 36 games over the course of the 2011 season.  Now this may not seem like much to you, but I’m not done.

In addition to the MLS, the Sounders also participate in the Lamar US Open Cup, the final of which was the game that Ceci and I attended a couple of weeks ago.  You might say the Open Cup is similar to the World Cup, except for the part where it’s played every year, it’s the oldest soccer tournament in America, and it’s confined to American teams:  Every American soccer team is eligible to play in the Open Cup.  The team who wins this Open Cup establishes its grand golden supremacy over all other soccer teams in the land.  The Sounders have done this twice since their inception two years ago. They get a trophy, medallions, and a rather tidy sum of money for winning.  And winning again.

But that’s just the American leagues.  There is also the CONCACAF Champions League, in which the Sounders also compete.  CONCACAF is the Confederation of North, Central American, and Caribbean Association Futbol.  The leading teams in these regions compete to proclaim their sun-high supremacy over all the soccer teams on the continent.  The Sounders, as the American champions, are naturally eligible to play in this league.

Then there are the friendlies.  These are exhibitions games between two teams, where the outcome of the match has no bearing, points-wise, on any of the leagues that either team participates in.  They can be extremely useful, however, as they are often used to test the strategies and skill of the team.  And, again in our case, it gives our players a chance to play against international teams of undeniably more experience and of (arguably) higher caliber.

Still with me?  Great.  Here’s the plan:

Sunday, October 31

2PM:  Put on costume and join the rave green, scarf-clad masses downtown for a drink or two.  (I’ve been urged to start drinking at 1:30PM, but I really am a little fella).  March to the match?  Quite possibly.

5PM:  Be AT Qwest Field to watch the Sounders kick:

• the Galaxy back to pollution-ridden L.A.
• Real Salt Lake back to their angry wives.
• Columbus Crew back to…Columbus, Ohio, isn’t that punishment enough?

Stand, shout, sing, and consume more beer.

9PM:  Premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC.  Spend the rest of the night alert for any sign of zombies.

Monday, November 1

6AM:  Wake to guzzle down water in order to prevent hangover from taking hold.

7AM:  Begin National Novel Writing Month, which I’ll tell you about next week.  ^_~

I’ll admit it.  I cried a little.

This past Saturday as I rolled out of bed, my mind a frenzy of excitement, all I could think was – Will we win?  We’ve got to win!  Will we win?  Perhaps the only other thought my head could hold was, Is it really too early for a beer?

Breakfast and brunch were both forgotten as I flicked on the World Cup Pre-Game for the USA Stars and Stripes versus the Ghana Black Stars.  For a full 90 minutes, the two teams clashed on the same green field where the US had triumphed against England just a couple of weeks before.  As the game rolled on, both teams tied and entered 30 more minutes of overtime where it seemed really possible that we might advance.  For these two hours, I alternately screamed praise and profanity at the television screen, joined 9 million other Americans in jumping up and down, pacing, clutching my face – my pillows, my beer bottle – in fear and exhilaration.  I believe I may have also proposed marriage to Michael Bradley, Landon Donovan, and Clint Dempsey in turn, but that was just the excitement talking.

We lost.  Despite all our efforts, despite our die hard attitude (and I mean Bruce Willis in I or III, that’s how hard we worked) we just weren’t able to break through the Ghanaian defense the way we had to; and our defense suffered too much from – miscommunication?  Arrogance?  Bad juju?  Karma?  We lost.  We have 2018 to look forward to now.  US may still win the bid to host, and Seattle may still win as the host city.  We have a lot to look forward to – and, simultaneously, we have nothing to be ashamed of.  I mean, we’re not France. So click here to sign the petition to bring the World Cup back to the U.S.

Of course, that wasn’t enough.  Sounders played Philadelphia Union this afternoon – we’re back from the break!  AND NATE JAQUA’S BACK ON

James Riley and Nate Jaqua, my two most favorite men - I mean Sounders men - in the world

THE PITCH!  And…we still lost.  First half we came out, and despite Sebastian Le Toux weaving in and out between his former teammates, we held on and even scored, leading into the second half with a lead of 1 to 0.  And then…Philadelphia scored.  And then they scored again.  And again.  Except can I just say that they had a sold out crowd of 18,000 and some change?  When SEATTLE comes to a Sounders FC game, WE sell out tickets at Qwest field to the tune of over 30,000.  Yeah.  So we’re still better fans, and the Sounders are still in it.  And on June 30th, we’ll be playing against the Portland Timbers in order to defend our title – yes, we have a title – as the US Open Cup champions.  Yes, we’re champions.  We have a trophy. And I have no doubt that my favorite men in green will step up their game to do our town justice.  (Catch your recap of today’s game here.)

One last thing.  For those who care about the environment – you probably already know that joining or getting involved with your local Sierra Club chapter is one of the best ways to participate in and contribute to the local and national policies that affect the world around us.  The Sierra Club works on many issues dear to a Seattle-ite’s heart, including but not limited to wilderness protection, transportation issues, and environmental justice.  They are also a dedicated group of individuals who aren’t above fun, irreverence, good beer, and good company.  I know this from personal experience.  And so they invite you now to participate in the Seattle Sierra Club Hike-a-thon, this July 11th.  Choose from three different hikes, take advantage of the wonderful weather that is due to descend on Washington, and raise money to support the Sierra Club as it works to make a difference in our state and our nation’s environmental policies.  Make a difference and have a good time.  You won’t regret it.

courtesy of the Sierra Club

At this very moment, the skies over Cape Town, South Africa are as dense and gray as the skies over our own lovely city.  The cold rain pouring down onto the pitch of Green Point Stadium has turned the bright green field into a slippery emerald expanse over which Portugal and North Korea struggle to keep their balance as they clash over the next goal.  It is currently 1-0, Portugal.

I’m so confused.  Not because Portugal has taken the lead (to be expected, so suck it, North Korea!) but because everyone’s so wet.  Green Point Stadium is supposed to have a retractable glass roof, a la Safeco Stadium.  What happened to the roof?  Did it not work?  Not surprisingly, no one is talking about that right at this moment, but it makes this writer wonder.

Since our last little chat, Denmark has defeated Cameroon 2-1 in a heartbreaking match, and Cameroon is the first country going home.  The French team threw a tantrum this past weekend over one of its star players being sent home, although I understand that, with a little aromatherapy, they have been convinced to take the field again.  The New Zealand Kiwis fought the Italy Azuries to a surprising standstill of 1-1.  And the U.S. was robbed, ROBBED by a terrible call that disallowed what would’ve been the winning goal against Slovenia.

The next U.S. game is this Wednesday, June 23rd, against Algeria.  In order to advance, we will either have to win against Algeria or pray that if we tie, Slovenia and England also tie or England loses, goes down in flames, gets sent home in SHAME.  I would rather we win, but I wouldn’t mind if our former redcoat oppressors just lost – their efficient and able assistance in Iraq notwithstanding.

Now, if you’re one of the 5.2 million American viewers whose work productivity is suffering as a result of the world’s game, you know that July 11th is the final match of the World Cup.  Because they are considerate people as well as superb athletes, our Sounders FC are welcoming soccer fans to a World Cup Finals Match Viewing Party at Seattle Center’s Fisher Pavillion.  The game will be projected onto a 10×14 foot screen – not as large as it is in IMAX, but nothing to sneeze at, either.  The viewing party will be free and open to the public, and will be prefaced by a performance by the Sound Wave, the official Sounders FC marching band.  There will also be plenty of beer, wine, and French food, as Seattle’s Francophiles will also be taking the time to celebrate Bastille Day.  If you have kids, there will be exhibits and activities so that they are distracted while you scream at the viewing screen.  On that note, see how some Sounders players predict the World Cup brackets will fall out (Team Tapas is apparently one of the teams to make it to the finals).

Now, until July 11th, I will be a little single-minded.  And, yes, I still understand that some of you are not and will never be soccer fans (although how you can resist a game that sees less sectarian violence in Iraq and has even North and South Korea cheering for each other – although no one’s cheering at the moment because it’s now 5-0 Portugal and you have to feel bad for those scrappy North Koreans, even though they’re playing pretty crappy soccer) and, to that end, I have listed a few other things that are happening in Seattle.  Please take a moment to appreciate the fact that I have taken my eyes from the ESPN viewer long enough to hunt up the following upcoming events for you.  You’re welcome.

For the fitness-minded: Our weather will clear up for summer soon.  No, really!  As sun returns to the Evergreen State, so does summer fitness classes at Seattle Center, including outdoor Tai Chi and Yoga classes, on Tuesdays at Wednesdays at 11:30AM near the International Fountain.  Learn more about it here and take an early lunch break to clear your head and stretch your muscles.

Or, if you’re looking for something more high-impact, Parkour Visions has unleashed several new classes, including an all-womens’ class and new strength training sessions.  The instructors here are friendly, approachable, and always willing to accept a new student so I highly recommend you give it a try – and your first training session is free!

For the academics: Check out Town Hall Seattle this week for a wide breadth of upcoming lectures including the Geopolitics of Climate Change (i.e., remember to stock up on clean water, nonperishable food, and weapons as global warming turns the world into a scarier place); History & Future of the Democratic Republic of Congo (oxymoron?); and I Was a Prisoner of the Taliban (suffice to say, Jere Van Dyk did not receive a T-Shirt commemorating his stay).

For the Theatre-Goer: Hit the Market Theater in Post Alley of Pike Place Market for the wacky hijinks of TheatreSports, comedy improv at its best.  It’s also possible to take classes, if that is something you’re interested in.  If you’ve never attended a theater sports event, your life is incomplete and your funny bone needs building up.

And if you’re feeling the Monday blues, perk yourself up with a listen of the official World Cup theme song, linked to me by a badass beer buddy of mine.  There is, ostensibly, a pansy-ass version and a wholesomely hard-core version, but both inspire happiness upon listening, and I leave it to you to decide which is which.

Version 1

Version 2

But, Liezel, didn’t we already have the USA-England match?  And, by the way, WHAT THE HELL, shouldn’t you have warned us about that last week so we didn’t have to scramble to find out where to watch the game?

I am sorry, SO sorry.  Let me try to get back into your good graces.

For those of you who don’t already follow, for those of you who don’t see the appeal in watching men run from one end of the pitch to the other:

1.  The USA soccer team fought against Englad last Saturday and we tied, 1-1.  Woo!  Yes, yes, it was a lucky shot, but I still like watching it.  It’s fun taking joy in the opposing team’s misery.

2.  The World Cup lasts until July 11, 2010 and during that time 32 different teams will get the chance to battle it out over the emerald green.  Athletes of eminent caliber running, shoving, smashing into one another, kicking each other with their thick-spiked cleats, all in the frenzied hope of shooting that ball into the net.

Oh, you don’t have cable, you say?  Oh, you dislike watching soccer without the traditional trappings of beer, fried food, and fellow fans, you say?  Well, our Seattle Sounders FC have invited you, yes YOU (but mostly me), to a 2010 pub crawl, featuring 11 different local bars where you can catch the games – even the early ones – along with breakfast.  Also beer.  Next U.S. game is against Slovenia on Friday, June 18th at 7AM.

If you’re just now learning what the Cup is about you get more information here.  If you’re interested in the profiles of soccer fans as compared to baseball and football fans, click here (no, really – it’s interesting!).

If you know what you’re talking about, think about entering your predictions of each game winner here, to win some fairly fantastic merchandise autographed by our Seattle Sounders.  I have a soccer-crazed, scarf-wearing, beer-swilling, trash-talking friend who insists that it will come down to Netherlands over Spain.  Dude, you know who you are, and if I don’t win a signed mini Nate Jaqua soccer ball and Sounders FC scarf, I am going to mess you up.  Speaking of whom, we might actually see Nate Jaqua back in the game after the World Cup break!  EEK!

Okay, okay.  I know not all of you are soccer fans.  Some people just can’t handle excitement that is saturated in awesomesauce and sprinkled with awe-inspiring athleticism.  I get that.  I mean, I can empathize.  Must be so sad.  For you, I offer this:  all t-shirts on threadless.com are currently only $10!  But it only lasts Monday (today!).  So buy them while you can.  For the uninitiated – you know those particularly witty, funny t-shirts you sometime see Seattleites wearing on those days when it’s warm enough to wear a t-shirt?  Odds are that shirt was purchased from Threadless.  A friend of mine introduced me to this site and now I own the shirts that read SublimI’mAwesomeinal and the Zombie Survival Guide, and I don’t even wear t-shirts – that’s how much fun they are. 

Mark it in your calendars:  June 6, 2010 for pounding knees, wheezing lungs, and sore everything – all for a good cause!

It’s better than it sounds, except that me and running, well, we’re very like the top 1% of American taxpayers and the IRS.

That is to say, me and running come together like sharpened bamboo shoots and unprotected fingers.

You might say that putting me and running in the same sentence would be like putting the words “dinner” and “monkey brains” in the same sentence:  It’s possible, sometimes it even happens, but it shouldn’t, it’s disgusting, it’s painful, and the whole event should be colored with equal parts reluctance and revulsion.

Running and I don’t get along.  I’m not Brittney.  At the same time, sometimes it’s necessary for a cause, for the benefit of others, and I am therefore informing you that that Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure is fast approaching and you should sign up.  You know, if you care about breast cancer or saving women’s lives and can stand to go running.

That means all of you, right?  That’s what I thought.

I, myself, have been shanghaied into this event.  I think.  I’m hoping my friend forgets and, you know, if she doesn’t, I think you should join me.  Because if I have to go through it, well, the mean streak in me will only be satisfied if as many people as possible suffer along with.  So register here.

It’s not just about me. The registration fee you pay for this 5K delight (sarcasm), as well as any additional funds you’re able to raise and donate, go towards providing life-saving services to fellow Washingtonian women, including:

• Free mammograms and diagnostics to women
• Medical treatment for qualified breast cancer patients who cannot afford care, including surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation
• Support services including support groups
• Research to find a cure for breast cancer

The event also promotes awareness of breast cancer, as well as education for early detection of breast cancer.  Ladies, remember those awkward, gawky, stilted conversations we were forced to go through in junior high health class about the importance of self breast exams?  Yeah, you should still be doing those.

I make light, but breast cancer is – next to skin cancer – the most common type of cancer in women in the U.S. (lay off the unprotected sunbathing, ladies).  It is also the most consistent killer of women from ages twenty to fifty-nine.  Just $30 for the individual registration fee will get you into the Race for the Cure.  Alternatively, get a group of friends together and register as a team.  OR – and I love this option – if you hate running as much as I do, you can Sleep In for the Cure.  See, as far as I can tell, you register as a participant and raise funds while simultaneously attempting to sleep in as much and as hard as possible on race day.

WIN.

Men, I am calling on you to participate.  I know you know it’s important.  And, hey, we ladies hit the donate button in the grocery store when they ask us if we want to give money to fight prostate cancer.  Look, if you don’t want to listen to me, then you can listen to James Riley.

And can I just say, congratulations, Sounders on your triumph over the New York Red Bulls.  1-zilch, looks like Seattle took a bite out of the Big Apple.